Today marked the beginning of what promises to be a crazy week. I have approximately 2 days to write an IEP, a document that took me weeks to create during student teaching...and that was after having known the students for 4 months, rather than 4 weeks as is the case now, plus I had the assistance of a veteran teacher. I had a meeting today to assess the results of extensive testing that has been done on the student whose IEP (Service Plan as the private schools call it) I will obsessively create and refine throughout the next few days. It was at this meeting that I had to sit across from a mom as we attempted to gracefully inform her that her son, a 9th grader, is performing on a 3rd/4th grade level in all areas. Thankfully, this was no surprise to her, not that the pain is eased in any way, I am sure. We discussed the need to return to basic elementary skills, forming a foundation that for some reason has disappeared, that is, if it ever existed in the first place.
After the parent and teachers left the meeting, I hopelessly sat, scanning at the books around me for answers. How could I meet his needs, while still providing my other students with the challenge and support that they need. The books sat silently as I begged them for an answer, a clue of some sort as to how to solve this discouraging and seemingly hopeless mystery. Everyone else seem just as perplexed as I felt...only for them, the meeting was over, and they were able to walk out, to move on to what the rest of the day held for them. I was cornered, how can I provide a high school education that includes the elementary basics that several of my students need, while not neglecting the needs of the others. There is only one of me; a reality that looms throughout my day, especially during my 2nd period where I have two drastically different levels of math students in my room at the same time. My five year old self wants to should THIS ISN'T fair; not for my sake, but that of my students. They don't get all of me, all of my attention, all of my effort.
Seeing the struggle in my eyes, K, my "assistant", aka my life-line some days, wisely stated, "you can't be everything to everyone". This answers was profound, and undoubtedly just what I needed to hear. Now if I could only believe it. Somehow, despite the fact that I am pouring all that I am and all that I have into my students, today was a day that I couldn't help but wonder if it even made a difference. I have to believe, though, that it does, which is why I wake up every morning. I pray that some how, my energy, my drive, my effort, my planning, as imperfect as it may be, is enough.
Sleepless in Columbus,
Ms. Phillips
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