I survived my first curriculum night...unscathed! Somehow, it crept up on me from out of the shadows. I had at least spoken with each and every parent prior to tonight, but I have had the pleasure of meeting most of the parents as well. Brought in for reasons ranging from their own curiousity surrounding the young new teacher, IEP meetings, or a need to have parental anxieties relieved, I have had one meeting after another. Tonight merely provided an opportunity to continue to build the relationships that had already been forged, as well as meeting those with whom I had yet to do so.
Being a long and exhausting Monday, I was ready for my day to end way before it's time. Having accepted a new student into my program today, I was overwhelmed to say the least. The last thing I wanted to do was to "talk shop" with parents. I tried to get myself excited, when all I could muster up was a stomach full of butterflies. As I neatly wrote "Welcome Parents!" on the white board and straightned every stack of papers and pile of papers, I was reminded of the importance of this night. In many cases, I was with these kids more than their own parents; what a daunting thought. These parents can only hope and pray that the time that their child spends at WCHS are filled with positive examples, learning experiences, and academic success. Keeping this in mind helps the seemingly impossible job at hand to feel more attainable and more promising.
I was encouraged by many of the conversations I had with parents; including the conversation in which I was told I was "doing a bang-up job"! I wanted to laugh, but smiled instead as I realized the weight of this compliment. It has been so important that I not only receive the trust of my students, but their parents as well, something that I was assured tonight, I had attained.
Today was the first day that no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to break down the wall of pure exhaustion, and I was fooling no one. The kids, each just as tired as the next, could see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice. It was at this point that I recalled why it is said that being a teacher involves some extent of acting. I had to find a way to energize myself, at least enough to make it through the day without falling asleep in my own classes. This task was made easier when the lunch bell sounded, and as quickly as my class darted to lunch, another student scurried in the door. It was A, she asked if she and her best friend could eat lunch with me. She had talked about having her best friend meet me for weeks and A had decided that today was the day. I honestly felt as if I had just been elected President...I was honored! My heart jumped as I realized what an opportunity this could be...a chance to continue to build amazing relationships and set and example for two girls that were struggling through this crazy jungle that is so often referred to as high school. I am excited for the opportunites and the conversations that will ensue because of our lunch dates!
Attempting to take one day at a time,
Ms. Phillips
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
"You Can't be Everything for Everyone"
Today marked the beginning of what promises to be a crazy week. I have approximately 2 days to write an IEP, a document that took me weeks to create during student teaching...and that was after having known the students for 4 months, rather than 4 weeks as is the case now, plus I had the assistance of a veteran teacher. I had a meeting today to assess the results of extensive testing that has been done on the student whose IEP (Service Plan as the private schools call it) I will obsessively create and refine throughout the next few days. It was at this meeting that I had to sit across from a mom as we attempted to gracefully inform her that her son, a 9th grader, is performing on a 3rd/4th grade level in all areas. Thankfully, this was no surprise to her, not that the pain is eased in any way, I am sure. We discussed the need to return to basic elementary skills, forming a foundation that for some reason has disappeared, that is, if it ever existed in the first place.
After the parent and teachers left the meeting, I hopelessly sat, scanning at the books around me for answers. How could I meet his needs, while still providing my other students with the challenge and support that they need. The books sat silently as I begged them for an answer, a clue of some sort as to how to solve this discouraging and seemingly hopeless mystery. Everyone else seem just as perplexed as I felt...only for them, the meeting was over, and they were able to walk out, to move on to what the rest of the day held for them. I was cornered, how can I provide a high school education that includes the elementary basics that several of my students need, while not neglecting the needs of the others. There is only one of me; a reality that looms throughout my day, especially during my 2nd period where I have two drastically different levels of math students in my room at the same time. My five year old self wants to should THIS ISN'T fair; not for my sake, but that of my students. They don't get all of me, all of my attention, all of my effort.
Seeing the struggle in my eyes, K, my "assistant", aka my life-line some days, wisely stated, "you can't be everything to everyone". This answers was profound, and undoubtedly just what I needed to hear. Now if I could only believe it. Somehow, despite the fact that I am pouring all that I am and all that I have into my students, today was a day that I couldn't help but wonder if it even made a difference. I have to believe, though, that it does, which is why I wake up every morning. I pray that some how, my energy, my drive, my effort, my planning, as imperfect as it may be, is enough.
Sleepless in Columbus,
Ms. Phillips
After the parent and teachers left the meeting, I hopelessly sat, scanning at the books around me for answers. How could I meet his needs, while still providing my other students with the challenge and support that they need. The books sat silently as I begged them for an answer, a clue of some sort as to how to solve this discouraging and seemingly hopeless mystery. Everyone else seem just as perplexed as I felt...only for them, the meeting was over, and they were able to walk out, to move on to what the rest of the day held for them. I was cornered, how can I provide a high school education that includes the elementary basics that several of my students need, while not neglecting the needs of the others. There is only one of me; a reality that looms throughout my day, especially during my 2nd period where I have two drastically different levels of math students in my room at the same time. My five year old self wants to should THIS ISN'T fair; not for my sake, but that of my students. They don't get all of me, all of my attention, all of my effort.
Seeing the struggle in my eyes, K, my "assistant", aka my life-line some days, wisely stated, "you can't be everything to everyone". This answers was profound, and undoubtedly just what I needed to hear. Now if I could only believe it. Somehow, despite the fact that I am pouring all that I am and all that I have into my students, today was a day that I couldn't help but wonder if it even made a difference. I have to believe, though, that it does, which is why I wake up every morning. I pray that some how, my energy, my drive, my effort, my planning, as imperfect as it may be, is enough.
Sleepless in Columbus,
Ms. Phillips
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"You're doing that thing teachers do..."
As this week comes to a close, it's ending proves to be about as crazy as its introduction. Finding it difficult to even make time for lunch these days, I have felt as if I have been in fast-forward this whole week. As the tornado spirals around me, I find it hard not to get caught up in the to-do lists. Every so often, I remind myself to come up for air, take a glimpse around, and realize that all of the red tape is worth the effort...most days.
Though I don't play favorites, I must say, my relationship with A never fails to be entertaining. Several of my students are very literal, making it difficult as by nature I am sarcastic. That does not fly well with students with learning disabilities, and it really doesn't fly with kids with autism. Fortunately, A is one of my students that I can tease and give attitude to just as she does toward me. This week, her famous line that she has coined is "you're doing that thing, that thing that teachers do". Apparently guilt trips, and confidence boosts are universal teacher traits, and having displayed these, I have apparently joined the masses, good or bad. I laugh because somehow, it works every time!
Christmas came early this year. Not only did I get a SmartPen for my classroom, I also picked up my brand new TV today!!! Since before the school year even started, I have been drooling over the SmartPen. I am convinced that God himself invented it; though I might eat my words when I open the package shortly and realize I have to not only learn how to use it, but do so well enough to train others. Despite this, I am so excited to test this new classroom tool out. The pen can be used to record anything, and when plugged into the computer, automatically transfers the audio to text....brilliant for kids with dyslexia and processing disorders! Not only can it do that, you take notes with it, then tap it on paper, and it reads what you wrote back to you. Never has technology excited me so much...I feel like such a nerd, and I love it! I think this could be huge for my students.
I am also excited for our second new addition, a flat screen TV that will be MOUNTED to the wall so that we will have no more mishaps and accidental TV catastrophes again. These both were purchased through a donation that someone made to the WCHS special ed. department....what an incredible blessing!
Now I am crossing my fingers that one day I can get a SmartBoard; though I'm not holding my breathe, the idea has been tossed around. Please let there be funding, please let there be funding!!!! But I figure, since many of the resources left in my classroom are older than dirt, I might as well introduce new technology into the lovely modular whenever possible.
Well, I must rest up because next week the Tornado will undoubtedly swallow me whole as I have 3 IEP meetings, an entire day of training for new high school teachers (yes, this means entrusting the clan to a sub), and multiple other meetings....I'm pumped.
Clinging for dear life and some how loving it,
Ms. Phillips
Though I don't play favorites, I must say, my relationship with A never fails to be entertaining. Several of my students are very literal, making it difficult as by nature I am sarcastic. That does not fly well with students with learning disabilities, and it really doesn't fly with kids with autism. Fortunately, A is one of my students that I can tease and give attitude to just as she does toward me. This week, her famous line that she has coined is "you're doing that thing, that thing that teachers do". Apparently guilt trips, and confidence boosts are universal teacher traits, and having displayed these, I have apparently joined the masses, good or bad. I laugh because somehow, it works every time!
Christmas came early this year. Not only did I get a SmartPen for my classroom, I also picked up my brand new TV today!!! Since before the school year even started, I have been drooling over the SmartPen. I am convinced that God himself invented it; though I might eat my words when I open the package shortly and realize I have to not only learn how to use it, but do so well enough to train others. Despite this, I am so excited to test this new classroom tool out. The pen can be used to record anything, and when plugged into the computer, automatically transfers the audio to text....brilliant for kids with dyslexia and processing disorders! Not only can it do that, you take notes with it, then tap it on paper, and it reads what you wrote back to you. Never has technology excited me so much...I feel like such a nerd, and I love it! I think this could be huge for my students.
I am also excited for our second new addition, a flat screen TV that will be MOUNTED to the wall so that we will have no more mishaps and accidental TV catastrophes again. These both were purchased through a donation that someone made to the WCHS special ed. department....what an incredible blessing!
Now I am crossing my fingers that one day I can get a SmartBoard; though I'm not holding my breathe, the idea has been tossed around. Please let there be funding, please let there be funding!!!! But I figure, since many of the resources left in my classroom are older than dirt, I might as well introduce new technology into the lovely modular whenever possible.
Well, I must rest up because next week the Tornado will undoubtedly swallow me whole as I have 3 IEP meetings, an entire day of training for new high school teachers (yes, this means entrusting the clan to a sub), and multiple other meetings....I'm pumped.
Clinging for dear life and some how loving it,
Ms. Phillips
Monday, September 13, 2010
Crash and Burn
Today, Monday the 13th, gave your average Friday the 13th a run for its money. So today's festivities began with a student knocking my TV onto the floor, ripping out the cable in the process and colliding with the floor with one giant crash. This is what I get for just telling the woman in charge of funding that, despite the fact that the TV is half as old as I am, it still workED (past tense) quite well. Good thing I'm teaching my kids verb tenses because today changed all of that.
I then received a lesson in anger management several periods later when I encountered a teacher that seems to think that kids with learning disabilities are simply lazy, not disadvantaged or struggling....how thoughtful. This is proving to be my toughest lesson yet. How do I gracefully approach someone whose viewpoints go against everything I stand for? Stay tuned, I have yet to decide, but have a feeling this will be a part of what we teachers like to call a life lesson.
One little victory from today: my freshman English boys remembered about 1/2 of what I taught them last week....that's improvement! Baby steps, my friends, baby steps! There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Since 14 is my lucky number, I have high hopes for tomorrow!
Ready for a new day,
Ms. Phillips
I then received a lesson in anger management several periods later when I encountered a teacher that seems to think that kids with learning disabilities are simply lazy, not disadvantaged or struggling....how thoughtful. This is proving to be my toughest lesson yet. How do I gracefully approach someone whose viewpoints go against everything I stand for? Stay tuned, I have yet to decide, but have a feeling this will be a part of what we teachers like to call a life lesson.
One little victory from today: my freshman English boys remembered about 1/2 of what I taught them last week....that's improvement! Baby steps, my friends, baby steps! There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Since 14 is my lucky number, I have high hopes for tomorrow!
Ready for a new day,
Ms. Phillips
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Battle Worth Fighting
Let me start by saying, I'm not a caffeine drinker, really! That being said, yesterday I gave into coffee and today I succumbed to not one, but two cans of pop. This is collectively more than I have had in the past 6 months. What can I say?! It somehow keeps me from completely hitting a wall and diverts my headaches from turning straight into migraines.
The results are in...the quiz scores were less than ideal. Let's just say there is plenty of room for improvement...if you are the glass 1/2 full type, as I certainly try to be. I'm finding that to be a challenge, some days more than others! After being upset for a while, I reminded myself of several things; I am still getting a feel for the kids and their current levels, this was the first quiz, and lastly, I am working with kids that have very little retention. Which leads to my next concern....how am I going to teach anything that will stick for more than a day. I want so much for what I say to weasel its way into their long-term memories....if only this weren't so hard. I am racking my brain for ways to get through to these kids in a lasting way.
Today I realized that even I was bored with hearing about nouns and pronouns over and over. On the spot, I threw out my lesson plans. I asked the kids to stand up, and to come outside with me. With shocked and confused looks, they followed. We went outside, stood in a circle, and threw a ball spontaneously from one person to another, shouting out whatever part of speech definition or example I requested. Their faces lit up, and they responded...they loved it, and so did I! After a long review, we went back into the class to wrap up. As I asked review questions, I realized that they had already begun to confuse the topics, yet again. My hopes we DASHED. We had just spent 25 minutes making such a connection not only to one another, but to the content...and now what?! This is going to be exhausting coming up with constant and yet practical ways to make each lesson come alive for these boys. Don't get me wrong, the creative demand of being a teacher is a challenge that I find great joy in rising to daily. However, I have yet to determine how it is possible to plan for 5 separate classes in a way that truly engages each student, rather than begs them to complete worksheets or book work, as so many do. These methods have their place, I am quite aware, but my kids don't learn this way. Not only must I plan for 5 classes and many unique kids, but I have to write 15 IEPs throughout the year and do quarterly progress reports for each student. Whoever invented the legality aspect of my job is one of my few enemies on this Earth, end of my pity party and end of story.
So today, I was reminded that God really knew what he was doing when he placed me at WCHS. As crazy as things are, I am convinced that there is something so pure and wonderful about the relationships I am building already; namely my relationship with A. She tells me anything and everything now, and I give her the same honesty back, which is why we work so well together. We both call it as we see it. There is such a truth in that, a respect, and an understanding that is both unspoken and also unbelievable. Tomorrow the kids will be on retreat, and I will stay back to get work done. Today, A asked if prior to leaving tomorrow, she could bring her friends to meet me. It took me a moment to gather the thoughts as I realized what was happening; Have I really earned her trust enough that she wants her best friends to meet her teacher, her special ed. teacher?! The trust we have built seems to be strong enough to break down the wall that the stigma of special ed. has built up around her. Rather than sleep in tomorrow, the one day I could, I will happily arrive at the same time as I do every day, waiting for the what is bound to be the highlight of my classroom day. Tomorrow, I will celebrate a little victory that makes each of the daily battles worth the fighting!
Anticipating Dress-down-day,
Ms. Phillips
The results are in...the quiz scores were less than ideal. Let's just say there is plenty of room for improvement...if you are the glass 1/2 full type, as I certainly try to be. I'm finding that to be a challenge, some days more than others! After being upset for a while, I reminded myself of several things; I am still getting a feel for the kids and their current levels, this was the first quiz, and lastly, I am working with kids that have very little retention. Which leads to my next concern....how am I going to teach anything that will stick for more than a day. I want so much for what I say to weasel its way into their long-term memories....if only this weren't so hard. I am racking my brain for ways to get through to these kids in a lasting way.
Today I realized that even I was bored with hearing about nouns and pronouns over and over. On the spot, I threw out my lesson plans. I asked the kids to stand up, and to come outside with me. With shocked and confused looks, they followed. We went outside, stood in a circle, and threw a ball spontaneously from one person to another, shouting out whatever part of speech definition or example I requested. Their faces lit up, and they responded...they loved it, and so did I! After a long review, we went back into the class to wrap up. As I asked review questions, I realized that they had already begun to confuse the topics, yet again. My hopes we DASHED. We had just spent 25 minutes making such a connection not only to one another, but to the content...and now what?! This is going to be exhausting coming up with constant and yet practical ways to make each lesson come alive for these boys. Don't get me wrong, the creative demand of being a teacher is a challenge that I find great joy in rising to daily. However, I have yet to determine how it is possible to plan for 5 separate classes in a way that truly engages each student, rather than begs them to complete worksheets or book work, as so many do. These methods have their place, I am quite aware, but my kids don't learn this way. Not only must I plan for 5 classes and many unique kids, but I have to write 15 IEPs throughout the year and do quarterly progress reports for each student. Whoever invented the legality aspect of my job is one of my few enemies on this Earth, end of my pity party and end of story.
So today, I was reminded that God really knew what he was doing when he placed me at WCHS. As crazy as things are, I am convinced that there is something so pure and wonderful about the relationships I am building already; namely my relationship with A. She tells me anything and everything now, and I give her the same honesty back, which is why we work so well together. We both call it as we see it. There is such a truth in that, a respect, and an understanding that is both unspoken and also unbelievable. Tomorrow the kids will be on retreat, and I will stay back to get work done. Today, A asked if prior to leaving tomorrow, she could bring her friends to meet me. It took me a moment to gather the thoughts as I realized what was happening; Have I really earned her trust enough that she wants her best friends to meet her teacher, her special ed. teacher?! The trust we have built seems to be strong enough to break down the wall that the stigma of special ed. has built up around her. Rather than sleep in tomorrow, the one day I could, I will happily arrive at the same time as I do every day, waiting for the what is bound to be the highlight of my classroom day. Tomorrow, I will celebrate a little victory that makes each of the daily battles worth the fighting!
Anticipating Dress-down-day,
Ms. Phillips
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Rome Wasn't Built in a Day
Long weekends are amazing....until the alarm sounds, signaling it's time to put the pedal the the metal again.
The day started out with a meeting before school with a concerned parent, resident expert psychologist, and multiple teachers and administrators. Whenever a child with an IEP is involved, there is never a shortage of meeting participants. The meeting ran over into first period. As I hurried back to class, I found one of my students sitting at the front of the school looking lost and confused. I as walked toward the modular with her, I realized that in the rush of the morning, I had not unlocked my classroom door for my students. Back at the classroom, another student sat at the foot of the door, awaiting my arrival. My heart sank as I realized the confusion that a little mistake had created in these students.
Anything outside of the norm rocks the world of my students, confusing them and demolishing their hopes for consistency. I have realized though, that change is unavoidable, especially when I am slowly reworking the entire framework that the special education program has been based upon for nearly 30 years. I have to continue to remind myself, however, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that this is my first year. By gradually instilling change, I hope not only to ease the students into a level of independence and self-advocacy, but also to keep a level of sanity for myself.
I'm giving my first big quiz tomorrow in two of my English classes. I have officially decided that I am way more nervous than my students must be; which makes sense since they are probably at home, busy forgetting the fact that they will be quizzed bright and early in the morning. Every day I have at least an in cling of a anxiety that what I say to my students goes in one ear and out the other. Especially in working with students that struggle to process, retain, and reproduce information that is presented to them. I want to know that somehow, what I say and do gets through to them. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I try my hardest and then to some extent, am living on a prayer for the rest.
Little victory of the day: Rumor has it that A told another teacher that I "get her", I understand her. I'm not sure if A shared this information before or after I told her that I couldn't bail her out of her Spanish quiz...but either way, it was exciting to know that it isn't just me that feels that I might have made a connection that has paved the way for a successful year.
Tomorrow is my first picture day as a teacher....so many firsts these days! It is also the first day that I will help tutor someone in Spanish....clearly a misunderstanding on some one's part to mistake me for a Spanish speaker, but we shall see! If nothing else, I relate the the student's confusion and frustration at times!
Practicing my teacher smile,
Ms. Phillips
The day started out with a meeting before school with a concerned parent, resident expert psychologist, and multiple teachers and administrators. Whenever a child with an IEP is involved, there is never a shortage of meeting participants. The meeting ran over into first period. As I hurried back to class, I found one of my students sitting at the front of the school looking lost and confused. I as walked toward the modular with her, I realized that in the rush of the morning, I had not unlocked my classroom door for my students. Back at the classroom, another student sat at the foot of the door, awaiting my arrival. My heart sank as I realized the confusion that a little mistake had created in these students.
Anything outside of the norm rocks the world of my students, confusing them and demolishing their hopes for consistency. I have realized though, that change is unavoidable, especially when I am slowly reworking the entire framework that the special education program has been based upon for nearly 30 years. I have to continue to remind myself, however, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that this is my first year. By gradually instilling change, I hope not only to ease the students into a level of independence and self-advocacy, but also to keep a level of sanity for myself.
I'm giving my first big quiz tomorrow in two of my English classes. I have officially decided that I am way more nervous than my students must be; which makes sense since they are probably at home, busy forgetting the fact that they will be quizzed bright and early in the morning. Every day I have at least an in cling of a anxiety that what I say to my students goes in one ear and out the other. Especially in working with students that struggle to process, retain, and reproduce information that is presented to them. I want to know that somehow, what I say and do gets through to them. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I try my hardest and then to some extent, am living on a prayer for the rest.
Little victory of the day: Rumor has it that A told another teacher that I "get her", I understand her. I'm not sure if A shared this information before or after I told her that I couldn't bail her out of her Spanish quiz...but either way, it was exciting to know that it isn't just me that feels that I might have made a connection that has paved the way for a successful year.
Tomorrow is my first picture day as a teacher....so many firsts these days! It is also the first day that I will help tutor someone in Spanish....clearly a misunderstanding on some one's part to mistake me for a Spanish speaker, but we shall see! If nothing else, I relate the the student's confusion and frustration at times!
Practicing my teacher smile,
Ms. Phillips
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Heart of the Matter
Having taken several days to process, I have gained a bit more perspective on the events that collaborated with one another, creating my hardest day yet.
I am the first to admit that I am what many might refer to as a very emotional, and at times sensitive person. A truth that is magnified without the assistance of ample sleep. I love deeply, which in no way is regrettable; but I do find it comes at a cost. I find myself pouring into people, knowing full well, but fearing that one day, that might not be returned....a costly, but worthwhile, investment when it comes to kids that are waiting to be let down, hurt, and abandoned as past experiences have led them to anticipate.
The one student that I knew from day 1 would give me a run for my money, let's call her Ms. Attitude, or A, played her best cards from the start. Willing or unwillingly, I know not, A entered my classroom convinced that it was her duty to bring drama, attitude, and full-on confrontation, as was her usual style. Adorned with the latest and most fashionable protective shield, she was ready to dish out much more than she herself could ever handle. I had to believe that there was more to this chilling exterior. It took me no time at all to realize, that if I did nothing else this year, I had to get to the heart of the matter...this clearly broken heart which I had no doubt was at the bottom if it all.
Speaking of broken heart, my heart broke exactly 15 times Friday morning as I opened my mailbox. As I glanced through the progress reports that had been placed there for me in my box labeled "tutor", I couldn't help but think, "If they only knew..." Tutor, implying a quick fix, a mere remedial step on the way to success. I couldn't help but revisit my job description in my mind; so much of my job is unlisted, unseen, which is where both the beauty and the confusion lie.
The ache in my chest began to grow as I scanned the grades of the kids I have quickly begun to call "mine". How could I have let this happen, I thought to myself. If I thought I could save each student in each class, I was a fool. After a day of self-abusive thoughts, begging myself to find a way to fix what was broken, I realized just that....there is no quick fix. I am no saint, nor am I all-knowing. I did know, however, that of all the students, A was truly on my heart. Though many of my students had a few bad grades in classes, she was failing all but one class. She had taken on too daunting of a course load, upon her ever-persistent and demanding request of the former teacher. As she was accustomed, she received exactly what she asked and is now drowning, trying to cling to anything that can save her.
I as I prayed that I was that life saver that she chose to cling to, I knew I had to change her schedule. I had to set her up for success and not failure. After talking with teachers, administrators, parent, and A herself, I found myself more overwhelmed than ever before. Some teachers did not want her in their classes, believing that she lacked respect, knowledge, and a will to work. I understood, I knew how they saw it, I really did because I too had seen it...but I wanted them to see the rest, the most beautiful part of her that had been revealed through our unusually honest conversations within the past few days. I truly believe A saw how much it hurt me too, to take her out of classes with peers, unexpectedly throwing her into classes that I prayed would serve to provide more attainable goals for both her and I. I saw the look, the look that screamed out, "NOT YOU TOO...Don't give up on me, I really can do it!" I have to believe that in some way, this is what a parent feels. Knowing that I have to hurt her and break her in order to build her back up.
Advocate. –verb (used with object), to speak or write in favor of; support or urge by argument; recommend publicly
This word was preached in my undergrad work. This single word is the reason that I am a teacher. What no one will, or even can teach though, is that advocacy usually means that there is opposition. Someone that doesn't see what you see, feel, or believe, no matter how passionately you do all of these things. I can't force someone to believe that with enough support, a child can achieve much more than even they believe that they can. I can't convince people of the pureness of some one's heart that select few have actually seen. I can't fix the years of stigma that have built up because of behavior that likely stems from a small fraction of the stress poured over from a single mom who barely speaks English, the fear of rejection, the expectation of constant failure, and the lack of ever seeing otherwise. I can, however, give a gentle hug, as a hold back tears and tell my student that it's going to be OK, as I try ever-so-hard to convince myself of the same.
My assistant, let's call her K, listened ever so patiently to my words, translating the meaning in between sniffles and the glistening of tears. She voiced the simple, by profound words as I watched A walk away, "She's going to be our success story...Just wait"; I smiled through the tears, because I knew, this simply couldn't be wrong.
At the heart of it all,
Ms. Phillips
I am the first to admit that I am what many might refer to as a very emotional, and at times sensitive person. A truth that is magnified without the assistance of ample sleep. I love deeply, which in no way is regrettable; but I do find it comes at a cost. I find myself pouring into people, knowing full well, but fearing that one day, that might not be returned....a costly, but worthwhile, investment when it comes to kids that are waiting to be let down, hurt, and abandoned as past experiences have led them to anticipate.
The one student that I knew from day 1 would give me a run for my money, let's call her Ms. Attitude, or A, played her best cards from the start. Willing or unwillingly, I know not, A entered my classroom convinced that it was her duty to bring drama, attitude, and full-on confrontation, as was her usual style. Adorned with the latest and most fashionable protective shield, she was ready to dish out much more than she herself could ever handle. I had to believe that there was more to this chilling exterior. It took me no time at all to realize, that if I did nothing else this year, I had to get to the heart of the matter...this clearly broken heart which I had no doubt was at the bottom if it all.
Speaking of broken heart, my heart broke exactly 15 times Friday morning as I opened my mailbox. As I glanced through the progress reports that had been placed there for me in my box labeled "tutor", I couldn't help but think, "If they only knew..." Tutor, implying a quick fix, a mere remedial step on the way to success. I couldn't help but revisit my job description in my mind; so much of my job is unlisted, unseen, which is where both the beauty and the confusion lie.
The ache in my chest began to grow as I scanned the grades of the kids I have quickly begun to call "mine". How could I have let this happen, I thought to myself. If I thought I could save each student in each class, I was a fool. After a day of self-abusive thoughts, begging myself to find a way to fix what was broken, I realized just that....there is no quick fix. I am no saint, nor am I all-knowing. I did know, however, that of all the students, A was truly on my heart. Though many of my students had a few bad grades in classes, she was failing all but one class. She had taken on too daunting of a course load, upon her ever-persistent and demanding request of the former teacher. As she was accustomed, she received exactly what she asked and is now drowning, trying to cling to anything that can save her.
I as I prayed that I was that life saver that she chose to cling to, I knew I had to change her schedule. I had to set her up for success and not failure. After talking with teachers, administrators, parent, and A herself, I found myself more overwhelmed than ever before. Some teachers did not want her in their classes, believing that she lacked respect, knowledge, and a will to work. I understood, I knew how they saw it, I really did because I too had seen it...but I wanted them to see the rest, the most beautiful part of her that had been revealed through our unusually honest conversations within the past few days. I truly believe A saw how much it hurt me too, to take her out of classes with peers, unexpectedly throwing her into classes that I prayed would serve to provide more attainable goals for both her and I. I saw the look, the look that screamed out, "NOT YOU TOO...Don't give up on me, I really can do it!" I have to believe that in some way, this is what a parent feels. Knowing that I have to hurt her and break her in order to build her back up.
Advocate. –verb (used with object), to speak or write in favor of; support or urge by argument; recommend publicly
This word was preached in my undergrad work. This single word is the reason that I am a teacher. What no one will, or even can teach though, is that advocacy usually means that there is opposition. Someone that doesn't see what you see, feel, or believe, no matter how passionately you do all of these things. I can't force someone to believe that with enough support, a child can achieve much more than even they believe that they can. I can't convince people of the pureness of some one's heart that select few have actually seen. I can't fix the years of stigma that have built up because of behavior that likely stems from a small fraction of the stress poured over from a single mom who barely speaks English, the fear of rejection, the expectation of constant failure, and the lack of ever seeing otherwise. I can, however, give a gentle hug, as a hold back tears and tell my student that it's going to be OK, as I try ever-so-hard to convince myself of the same.
My assistant, let's call her K, listened ever so patiently to my words, translating the meaning in between sniffles and the glistening of tears. She voiced the simple, by profound words as I watched A walk away, "She's going to be our success story...Just wait"; I smiled through the tears, because I knew, this simply couldn't be wrong.
At the heart of it all,
Ms. Phillips
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Future Starts Today
Ironic that I'm writing lesson plans in order to help students plan for their very own future. Yet, it is my favorite part of lesson planning. I love the idea of empowering kids to think about the possibilities that lie ahead of them. There is something so life-giving about helping students to realize that despite their learning challenges, they can and will be great additions to our world. As I work with my junior/ senior class, leading them from one website and employ ability test to the next, informing them of deadlines and budgets and more, I can't help but be in awe at these young men. They are excited to see what comes next, where they can learn to do what they long to do; whether it be computer programming, landscaping, music, or anything else...they are setting goals. Never underestimate the power of a goal, because our success is up to us, and the future starts now. How exciting that I get to be a part of a new generation seeking the answers and the hope that tomorrow holds!
Sleep deprived and exhausted (from a mind that is in constant search for a better way to teach a concept, a more productive system of organization, a more consistent routine, a way to keep track of all of my students in each of their classes, a way to help each child with each problem) I realized that no matter how hard I work, I will always feel that there is more that can be done. A blessing and a curse, this feeling is here to stay. My successes and failures, whether I like it or not, are wrapped up in that of my students, and as I quickly noted, so is my heart!
Ms. Phillips
Sleep deprived and exhausted (from a mind that is in constant search for a better way to teach a concept, a more productive system of organization, a more consistent routine, a way to keep track of all of my students in each of their classes, a way to help each child with each problem) I realized that no matter how hard I work, I will always feel that there is more that can be done. A blessing and a curse, this feeling is here to stay. My successes and failures, whether I like it or not, are wrapped up in that of my students, and as I quickly noted, so is my heart!
Ms. Phillips
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