Passed the Test

Today, for a split second, I saw bits and pieces of the wall begin to fall.  Many of my students have a built-in defense mechanism that protects them from the hurt and embarrassment that always manages to find them in their weaknesses.  These students have had years of practice playing defense, pushing away all of those who dare come close enough to reach out toward them. 

I am beginning to be able to look past all of the "helpful hints", or preconceived expectations, that fellow and former teachers have passed onto me in regards to certain students.  Thankfully, when it comes to minute things such as that, my memory is fleeting.  I try to erase what little I do remember and base my impressions of the students off of my relationship with them.  I say impressions rather than judgements, because it became clear to me, as I assessed my students current ability levels in math and reading today, that they were embarrassed, as if waiting for me to rebuke their failed attempts at success.  Wow, was I caught off guard as I placed myself in their shoes.  Not only are 4 of my students incoming freshman, entering into the harsh jungle that is better known as high school, but they are entering in, fully aware that they are far behind their fellow newcomers.  As one student put it, being a freshman sucks, "because you kind of at the bottom of the food chain".  This came from the journal of a student that I was told would never perform or even take part within the classroom...ironic isn't it?!  My goal for the year is to figure out what makes him tick, despite the fact that every one of his past teachers/ doctors/ etc. is convinced that he will not produce work, nor will he succeed, but rather, I could expect to be an innocent bi-standered as he floats through my class.  Luckily, I'm stubborn and often don't care what other people seem to think.  I hope that this is the one occasion in which that stubbornness works for, rather than against me!

Today we had Chapel; where we as a school, as a community of staff and students come together as believers to worship and learn.  I was humbled as I was surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, many of whom were students that blew my expectations of this experience away.  We sang a song which echoed the words, "in this place, You are here".  I have never been more convinced of God's presence.  Surrounded by teachers and students, I no longer felt alone, but supported and uplifted.  I was encouraged by the evident love for God that many of the high schoolers reflected; while at the same time, aware that many of the students were more lost, confused, and alone than ever before.  The talk encouraged us not to put on the "stain" or mask of God simply because we are a part of a Christian school...what a wonderful challenge not  only for the students, but for me as an educator too.  What would it look like if I truly loved my students and poured into them as God pours into me?!  I can only pray that I may now teach with this in mind.

On a less serious note, however, the IT guys are coming tomorrow to help me move around my room, move computers, desks, and tables to make it more user friendly and welcoming.  This is about as close to TLC's Clean Sweep as I get...so I'll take it! Besides, today I was at school long enough that I got to make friends with the janitor.  He and the secretary will become my new best friends at the school, I am sure!  Most people don't ever get to meet him because they leave shortly after the bell rings....I considered meeting him one of my small victories for the day.  That and the fact that my printer was fixed, as well as the fact that I finally seemed to pass the student's test and measured up.  The girls like the fact that they can talk about purses and boys with me, while the boys seem to love that I like the Office and Chipotle.  Let's see how much their decisions are swayed when we begin to get into actual content next week. But seriously, I really am blessed to have to chance to get to know students better than a lot of teachers, due to my job description.

That being said, I really do love this age group.  They are honest to a fault with me most days, which I respect much more than I ever thought I would.  The fact that I look forward to seeing the kids and I have only had them for three days, speaks quite highly for them.  Though my to-do list never seems to dwindle and I seem to be at work much more than I am at home, when I do come home, I am happy knowing I have done my job to my fullest ability, and held nothing back.  This happiness lends a helping hand to the exhaustion, emotions, and anxiety that kick in during times of weakness. Though occasionally discouraged by the fact that students are lost, confused, and struggling with content much below their grade level, I have to believe that we will encounter little victories along the way that will serve as reminders that it is all worth the fight and that together, we can progress toward our goals...which is the true test!

With nearly 1 week under then belt,
Ms. Phillips